Advisement

Religious Discrimination in Doula Work

December 5, 2021 By Deena Leave a Comment

I received an email the other day through my professional site inquiring about my birth doula services. The pregnant person told me about about herself and then asked if I was Christian and could support her spiritually during her birth. This is not the first time someone has asked such a question of me. I also see it with some frequency on social media, “so and so is looking for a ‘Christian doula’ can anyone help?” Most commonly, it is a “Christian doula” that someone is seeking or advertising themselves. I’m sure there are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc. doulas out there who advertise as such, but Christian is the most common one in my experience.

As a non-Christian, I am always taken aback by these requests. I question the ethics of both seeking a doula based on religion and of being a doula and advertising your religious affiliation.

As a pregnant person, is seeking a Christian (or other religion) Doula religious discrimination or is it preference?

If a person’s religion is part of their core foundation of who they are, it may be appropriate to seek someone who shares their belief system. However, this is question of employment. The doula client employs the doula. Generally, we don’t ask or care if the plumber is of a certain religion… or the accountant, or the house painter, or the lawn care service, etc. Those are people we hire to do a job based on their qualifications, skill set, experience, etc. Their religion has not impact on their ability to fix my toilet, do my taxes, or mow my lawn.

The doula client may argue that they want someone to pray with them or perform a ceremony during birth, so they need a (religion) doula. However, that’s not a doula’s job. It is a fundamental misunderstanding of what a doula does. Doulas provide physical support (massage, change positions, offering food and drink), emotional support (a listening ear), and informational support (side effects of medications, communication skills with medical staff). Nowhere in a doula’s training or job description is “religious support.” So, the client is seeking a service for which the doula isn’t trained or qualified to perform.

At the core of this is that as an employer, one cannot discriminate based on an employee’s religion. So, not hiring a person because they don’t meet religious criteria is discrimination. No employer in the US can decline to hire you based on your religion. As a doula client, hiring or not hiring a doula with the doula’s religion being criteria for employment is unethical and, in some cases, illegal.

Ok, but what about those people who want or need to have some sort of spiritual support during birth? That is what friends, family, or a religious leader is for. That’s not a doula’s job and that person can attend a birth in their appropriate capacity. The doula’s job in the scenario is to make space for the prayer or other religious aspects so that it can take place safely and uninterrupted.

Is advertising yourself as a Christian (or other religion) Doula discriminating against those of other religions?

On the surface, this one appears to be a bit more of a grey area. It isn’t explicit, “I don’t want to work with people who aren’t of (religion).” However, by saying “I’m a (religion) doula” you are both describing yourself and implicitly telling the person who is not of that religion that you don’t really want to work with them no matter how “inclusive” you say you are. By categorizing yourself as a (religion) doula you tell the reader who you want to be working with. Bible quotes on your doula site tell people of other religions, or people who have no religion, that you are a member of a group to which they do not belong and you turn away those people. You turn away LGBTQIA+ by advertising your religion because of existing discrimination by many religions. Maybe that’s what you want to do as a (religion) doula but understand that you are excluding other from your services. That is religious discrimination, even if it is not intentional.

OK, so the (religion) doula client finds the (religion) doula and they work well together. Isn’t that why the (religion) doula advertises their religion and the (religion) client asks about religion? Is there a problem with that?

No, there isn’t a problem with that, per se. Every client needs the right doula for them. I am not the right doula for everyone. The problem arises when someone of another religion is seeking doula services or is a doula. That is where the discrimination comes in. Simply by stating your religion, as either client or doula, you implicitly tell the other person that you are not for them.

Oh, and there’s one more question you should never ask a doula because it also doesn’t impact their ability to do a good job. You’ll have to visit my other site to find out what that question is, however.

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Arise: Sleeping Beauties No More

November 10, 2016 By Deena 2 Comments

Like Briar Rose, we have been asleep, protected by the thorns and brambles of our self-selected insular communities in which our beliefs and feelings are constantly validated. We ‘unfriend’ or ‘unfollow’ those with whom we disagree – growing our brambles denser over time. We choose the veil of emotional safety rather than take the risk of engaging in conversation with those who believe differently. We protect our fragile egos and assume everything will be all right because we can only see what is within the confines of our homegrown thorns and brambles. Our hubris blinded us, such that we did not see the aura which envelops our American landscape.

In the cold, dark pre-dawn hours of Wednesday morning our edifice of thorns and brambles was ripped open with the news of Trump’s victory. We were awakened by an unwanted, unasked for kiss of a harsh new reality.

In our slumber, we dismissively believed that our constructed walls and our thorny attitudes were enough. We rested on our laurels granted to us by our mothers and grandmothers.

Somehow, in the intervening years, we forgot. We forgot what our mothers marched for and what our grandmothers fought for. We forgot that it took a struggle to even be able to wear pants, let alone a pantsuit. We are spoiled, my Gen X compatriots and my Millennial sisters. Our great conceit is that we take for granted the advances made by previous generations of American women.

My own mother was a member of NOW, NCJW, and the ACLU among other groups. She marched as an activist and advocate for women’s rights and equal rights for all. She successfully sued an employer in the 1970’s because her male colleagues were paid more than she was. She not only contributed financially to the groups and movements she supported, but she actively recruited new members and did grassroots work.

Her mother, my grandmother, met my grandfather at a socialist political rally in the late 1940’s. The two of them were politically active liberals for the entirety of their lives. My grandmother wore her pantsuits in the 1930’s and took to local elected offices in the 1960’s. She was brash and loud about her beliefs and worked to move things forward for all of us.

My paternal grandmother worked in Washington in the 1940’s until a pregnancy outside of marriage caused her to lose her job. She was an active member of the Democratic party until her descent into Alzheimer’s. She hosted dinners and rallies at her home and campaigned door to door for the candidates who supported progressive agendas.

Those women of my past worked diligently for the rights we now fear to lose. However, we quietly acquiesced to small injustices made against women including both our reproductive rights and, principally, our equal human rights.

We sat and did nothing as state by state, piecemeal, our rights have been chipped away.

Someone else will fix it. It’s not my job. Let NARAL and Planned Parenthood handle this.

A minor change of wording to a law here and there do little harm, so why fight it?

It’s still OK.

The small downshift in the number of weeks of pregnancy that abortion is acceptable.

It seems to makes sense, right? We can still have abortions, except for when we can’t.

Hobby Lobby winning their case to not cover birth control for their employees due to their CEO’s religious beliefs.

Well, it sucks, but what are you going to do?

These seemingly small shifts affect someone else, you see, not me. Till it does.

This death of our rights and our humanity is a death by a thousand cuts.

This is the insidious crawl of misogyny, writhing underneath the sheet of illusory safety draped upon us by men who truly believe they know what is best for women’s bodies.

It is the misogyny enforced with smug arrogance by the women who believe their religion or their tradition grant them the power to impose their way of life upon others.

I put my boots on the ground during March for Women's Lives in DC in April 2003 — I put my boots on the ground during March for Women’s Lives in DC in April 2003

Our fore-mothers put their big girl pants on to actively work for change. I call on you, my sisters and compatriots, to cut away your own protective brambles, to move from the perceived safety of your self-constructed segments of reality.

I call on you now – put your money where your mouth is, lace up your boots and work to further progress. Take the risk. Open yourself up to the possibility of making this country a better place for all people.

My boots are already on my feet. I am ready.

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Moving from Passivity to Badassery

September 8, 2016 By Deena Leave a Comment

How is it that we are so passive, especially as women, that our response to an authority figure is, “Well, if that’s how it is, then I guess I’m OK with it.”? Even when it’s not OK. We fall into apathy and then have regrets. Worse, yet, we are actively upset emotionally and/or physically harmed by the treatment we receive and yet we still say, “Ok, if that’s how it’s got to be…”

Going further, it’s not just an authority figure, but it’s a peer, a coworker, a spouse or significant other, a friend, an acquaintance, we acquiesce.

acquiesce – verb (used without object), acquiesced, acquiescing.

to assent tacitly; submit or comply silently or without protest; agree; consent

This passivity is so ingrained in us, as women, that our lips remain locked, our throats closed and our eyes bright with tears of lamentation even as we comply.

I see it with my childbirth students and my doula clients.

“Will my doctors allow me to…?”

“I heard the hospital policy is to do… so, I won’t be able to do what I feel is best for myself and my baby.”

To this I say:

“If you cannot advocate for yourself, how will you advocate for your child?”

“Oh, I don’t think I could ask my doctor about that!”

“I don’t want to be argumentative.”

“I don’t want to be a problem patient.”

“What if my questions are off-putting or insulting to my doctor? Won’t they then treat me badly?”

“I don’t want to be disrespectful.”

My response:

“If you don’t ask; you don’t get.”

Asking for something doesn’t question your doctor’s authority, it is directly expressing your needs and your preferences.

The worst thing that will happen is that the doctor says, “no” to a patient’s request. That’s the sum total of it. The word “no”. It’s fear that keeps us from stepping forward and asking for what we want. Fear of rejection and fear of perception. We wish to maintain our image of the good girl, so we say bite our tongues and swallow our words.

Being direct doesn’t fit the standard paradigm of how we’ve been taught to behave as women. We are taught to be kind, helpful and obedient. We are told that the pleasure and comfort of others comes before our own. The stereotype of the woman who does everything for her partner and her children, while doing little for herself, is a prime example of our cultural upbringing.

We are taught, from the time we are little, that we need to respect our elders, our parents and teachers. Yet, we are not often taught to respect ourselves. Our needs and desires are held to be of a secondary status to those considered to be of higher import. We are told to mind our business, be quiet and be good girls.

Damn it, I don’t want to be a good girl! (My tattoos and sports-car-red hair might have given that away…) I want to acknowledge my reservations and my fears. Then I want to put those reservations and fears in their place and ask for what I need. Or, even better still, do what I need to do to while maintaining compassion and empathy for others. The key lies in Ahimsa, kindness to self and others. It’s a balance, not unlike all else in our lives.

We don’t need permission from anyone but ourselves to lead our lives. We don’t need the permission of our doctors to labor out of bed, to eat, or to birth on hands and knees instead of on our backs. We don’t need the permission of our husbands/partners to make financial decisions or to go out with friends.

This goes beyond asking to have our needs met and it goes beyond “no means no”. This is a positive affirmation of our inner needs and desires. It is our self-expression to the fullest degree. It means we are fully actualized, badass women who know what we want and can make it happen without fear or reservation. Take that breath and allow your words to come forth so you may begin to be fulfilled. Move out of your boundaries and into badassery.

Dear reader, I want to know what holds you back? What holds your tongue when you know you should speak? What prevents you from expressing your needs and desire in favor of those of others? Tell me in the comments below.

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